Voices

My friend Etienne passed away Thursday the 13th of August from cancer.

I miss you buddy.



Please donate here:

http://www.terryfox.org/cgi/page.cgi/Run/participants.html/UFJM75

Flowing through my veins,

You’re love feels like poison

Making me weaker with every heartbeat

I gave it a shot with him. It was terrifying to come out of my comfort zone. I've always tried to not get attached to people, and to not let them come to close. To be honest, I felt safe with him. I felt like I could just take a sledgehammer to my walls and let it all come crumbling down around us and it'd be okay. He'd still be there.
The sparks were back, the teasing, the friendly banters. The ease of the just being with him. The 27th was his birthday and he wanted me to go over for some homemade cake his roommate had made for him. Even he was changing. I got there and he told me how happy he was that I was there. I couldn't stay long and got up to say goodbye to him. And there he was. In the kitchen with another girl, kissing her.
I can still hear it, the sound of them kissing, of their lips parting. I still see her glowing smile and I can see how much she likes him and how she has no idea what just happened.

I'm manic depressive or Bipolar if you prefer. It's so easy for me to say this to complete strangers or to people who don't play a role in my life, but to somebody who matters to me, it's one of the hardest things to do because I'm not just saying I have a mental illness, I'm telling this person that it's not easy to be a part of my life. Being Bipolar isn't exactly like having a sore throat. Manic depression affects every person in my surroundings. When I am down, it cannot be compared to just being bummed out about something. Being down for me means I am incapable of being happy or even remembering what it felt like to be happy. The "down" version of me is completely different to who I really am. The sound of my voice changes, how I react to comments and situations changes, my eyes change. There is nothing that a friend, a relative or anybody can do to make me feel better. Nothing. At times there may be suicide attempts, or just isolation from the world. I can go for days without leaving my bed without eating or any form of contact with the outside world. This can last from a couple days to weeks. It is not pleasant to be around somebody in this state. As you are reading this you may think that YOU would be able to help somebody in this situation, that it doesn't seem that hard. Think of a person in your life who cares about you and you care about them. Suddenly that person is completely emotionally detached from you. The inside jokes you have together suddenly mean nothing and trigger no response. All physical contact have stopped and a few days may go by without any news from this person. You know, you know in your bones that left alone, in isolation, this person causes physical harm to herself and that THIS TIME she might not snap out of it and you may have a funeral to go to next week.
When I tell somebody I'm Bipolar, that is what I'm telling them.

The friends I have I've had for many many years. Before I was diagnosed, before I even knew what it was, and before we were even aware of psychological problems. The more I learn about myself, the "disease' and the impact I/it has on others, the harder it is for me to let people into my life. I am very aware of what I do, why I do it, where it stems from, etc. but I don't have a solution for it. I don't know how to prevent my depressions or even my mania and therefore do not know how to avoid hurting people nor do I know how to have my depressions not affect my surroundings.

I can, however, feel the depressions coming on a couple days in advance sometimes even up to a week in advance. If you've ever fainted, try to think about that moment right before passing out, that wave of hot/cold inside of you, like you're being drained and "poof" you're out. When depression creeps in, I can feel myself leaving my body and something else coming in. The feeling is so strong that at times, it's as though I'm watching it instead of just feeling it. If I'm not in a place where I feel secure or with people I trust, it's a terrifying experience and all I want to do is go home and crawl in bed. A night out can be ended quite abruptly and for no apparent reason.

When I feel it coming, I try to avoid it. I keep myself busy and try to think positively. I avoid any negative contact. I'll watch comedies, plan "exciting" things with friends, get active. Usually it'll lessen the impact of the depression and it also makes it easier to get out of it. But sometimes, it gets to me anyway.

For the first time in a very long time I am not surrounded by, who I like to refer to as, my safety nets. Most of the people in my life do not know I am manic depressive or they've never experienced it. Unfortunately for me, I can feel a depression coming on and my security blankets are no where near me. We've grown up, some have moved away, others have families of their own, careers to worry about, etc. We are no longer teenagers with high school and heartbreak to worry about. We're adults with responsibilities and those responsibilities leave no room for taking care of the head case friend.

Because I have trust issues and do not trust those in my life right now, not because they've done me wrong or that they are bad people, but because of the walls I've put up to protect myself, I will push them away while I sink into my depression. I will end relationships, give reasons to not contact me ever again and I will make it so they will not want to be around me. I know that by doing this and never putting my guards down to let people in, I will be alone, not just while in depression, but for most if not all of my life.
I also know by continuing to push people away I may miss out on something really great, I may push away people who are willing to stick by me, who are willing to do anything to help, but because there's that chance that they are not strong enough to handle this and that "something really great" may not exist, I'd rather not take the risk. I realize this is a defence mechanism, bu this is what I know how to do and this is how I handle it and how I always have.

I don't know what I'm doing. Maybe it's my parents fault, the environment I grew up in, or maybe it's just me. Everything that seems so simple to do for everybody else just feels so hard for me. My head just can't keep quiet especially when my heart has a say. Questions, thoughts leading to other thoughts leading to more questions leading to doubt... and so on. I wish I could just be, not care and let go. But I can't and partially don't want to. Letting go means giving you the power. Letting go means that your words and actions can hurt me. I'm not ready for that. At 27 years old, I'm still not ready to open up to somebody. Maybe you're just not right for me and that's why I can't let you in. Maybe I'm just with you because there's nobody else. I don't know, I don't have all the answers. I know that I'm slowly pushing my feelings for you aside and ignoring the pang I feel because of it. I need to push you away. This is the only way I can stay strong. I need to be in control of me.

I will not give anybody a chance at hurting me.