It was the second grade, it was my first year in this new school. My family had just moved a few months back. The friends I had made were my neighbors but none attended the same elementary school. I don't remember our first contact. I just remember his presence in my life, and that's what he was for a while, a presence, until our 7th grade math class. We bonded over how ridiculous that class and that teacher were. The 9th grade came around and high school drama tore us apart. We didn't speak until about 6 years later. We ended up working at the same store but in different departments. Our friendship was insane, we went out clubbing acting like idiots. We had alternate personalities when we were together, we were divas and we were too hot for everybody and too good for everything. We were very animated, as though we were putting on a show and we played every character.
A couple years went by and our friendship fell apart almost over night. One day we were making plans, and the next, we stopped talking.
Three years have gone by since we last spoke. Last week, while on msn, somebody messages me a shy face. It's Mark. We chat it up and the following day he invites me to his xmas staff party. We meet up before hand for coffee (chai lattes, mine with soy) and it was as though we had never lost touch. We've changed a lot since we had last spoke, but it's as though we changed together, in the same direction.
He's changed so much. He's still the vibrant and vulgar Mark i know and love, but he's also this generous human being and brilliant writer and photographer.
He's my hairdresser, who manages to tame this wild hair of mine. Give him a pair of scissors and a bottle of red wine and you'll look fab.
He's better than a mirror, always telling me that i look fabulous (even when i'm in my pjs with bed head).
He's my fellow diva, always informing me that "we're the best looking people here!"
He's the male gay version of myself.
He's my dance partner, ready to show people how it's done.

Mark, I'm so proud of you and what you've done over the past 3 years. My titas and I love you

Gratefull for:
1- old friendships starting new
2- lebenese food
3- my godmother
4- aunts, uncles and cousins
5- home cooked meals
6- the feel of my body after a great workout
7- butterfiles in my stomach
8- having a crush

Gratefull for:
1- sleeping in
2- sleep
3- going to bed early
4- not getting out of bed
5- days off/sick days

i'm feeling a little sick.. can you tell? who wants to make me soup?
C'mon guys your turn... what are u gratefull for right now?

It's been over a year since we had last spoke. At first I didn't think much of it, that within a week we'd be back to our old selves. A week turned into a month, a month quickly became serveral months and all of a sudden, almost 2 years have gone by. We had gotten back in touch a few months ago, but last night, we finally met up again.
You see, my brother and i have one of those indescribable relationships. No matter how much time has passed or what has happened, our friendship stays the same. We still laugh like fools, ridicule eachother, support eachother and are able to read eachothers minds. That chemistry that soulmates have is there.
My brother isn't really my brother. We met in the 3rd grade and have been friends ever since, but to say he's simply my friend or my best friend is limitating our relationship. He's my brother and more than that, it's not by blood. He doesn't have to be my brother because of genes and shared parents. He's my brother because of what he's done for me in the past 18 years. He's my brother because of the unbreakable bond we have. Blood may be thicker than water, but souls are stronger than blood. We were brought together.Wether it was fate or destiny or whatever, either way, it was simply meant to be.
Eighteen years have gone by. We've had our share of heartbreaks, arguements, laughs, laughs and laughs.... did i say laughs? We've had fights, and went months without speaking. But we always find each other in the end.
Anthony isn't just part of my past, he's part of my future. I can't picture my life without him.

1- grateful for having my First Response training.
2- grateful for not letting the man yelling at me distract me from the baby
3- grateful for my training kicking in naturally and not having to sit and think about "what do i have to do?"
4- grateful for putting my training to use, finding out that I remembered everything, giving me confidence in knowing "i can do this"

Wednesday's incident has left me shaken... still. I spoke to my wise Godmother who seems to always know exactly what to say to make me see things differently.
From now on, at least once a week i'm going to write things that i'm grateful/thankful for.
What are you grateful for this week? or today?

My Godfather is my fathers (aka sperm donor) brother and my Godmother is my mother's (aka the egg) sister. Since leaving the house of evil, i have become much closer to both. Sunday dinners with Gerry and my amazing aunt Jane. Incredibly uplifting conversations with my Godmother Francine.
When i was younger i would look at my brothers Godparents and think it was unfair. He had the billionaire Godparents and i had the "weird" ones who didn't have a pool, or the fancy house with the fancy cars. How will they take care of me if my parents die?

I prefer to refer to them as Godparents, it means more than aunt and uncle. Godparents are people that were handpicked to be part of your life forever and they accepted. They chose to be there. That means a lot more to me than people who are in my life because of DNA, something we don't really have control over. We're just kinda stuck with eachother.
I don't know how i ended up getting in contact with my Godfather after leaving, but he and his wife invited me over for Sunday supper. My aunts side of the family is usually there: her mom, sister and her sisters kids and husband. I've even been invited to Sunday dinner when it was at her sisters house. They've made me feel so welcomed , never made me feel guilty about leaving my parents house. They've spoiled me in a way no money can buy, they've been there. They've given me a Christmas, a New Years, a birthday. They've helped me move and fed me. Jane even introduced me to my favourite beer: Sleemans. mmm. We never spoke about my family. I didn't realize until Sunday night, when Gerry was driving me home from Sunday dinner, that he had no idea why i left and what went on in that house. He was asking me questions about getting in touch with them again and without hesitation, i said "no, never. i've done my time with them." After a pause i asked him if he knew what went on in the house. He didn't and i told him. Anybody who knows my father wouldn't be all that surprised at his behaviour, but nobody actually thinks "yeah, he probably hits his family." So needless to say, my Godfather was a little shocked. We talked a bit more and changed the subject. Gerry has always been the one who kept things together, the peacemaker. My father and 2 of his siblings haven't spoken in years, Gerry keeps in touch with his sister and brother, obviously he doesn't talk about this to my s.d.(sperm donor), but i don't know if he's told the s.d. about me. A part of me is slightly upset at the thought that the s.d.may know more about me than i would like him to. In my mind, he lost the priviledge of being a part of my life when he first raised his hand at me, when he first made me cry and hate myself. He has no right to any part of me or my life. At the same time, i understand Gerry didn't know the situation and the sperm and the egg tend to pretend that everything is ok. It was good finally talking about it all to him though. I always felt like he wanted to ask and I always wanted to tell him. It's done and out there now.

My Godmother Francine, always seemed a little cookey to me. She's easily amused and easily stressed and even though she's been living in the same place for over 20 years, she looks like a tourist whenever she goes out. It's cute and funny, especially when she comes downtown to see me. I was always able to talk to her about things, but the past 5 years have brought the both of us much closer. She's my kick in the ass. When i need that extra boost, that lift, that support, she's always there. Sometimes i'll just call her to say hi and see how she's doing and she'll just work her magic. She'll start telling me how proud she is of me and just go from there. I didn't realize how much i needed to hear that from somebody that i cared about until 5 years ago. Constantly being told how worthless and useless you are for a number of years makes you numb. You start to build a wall around you so those words can't get in. You become independent and are fully able to take care of yourself. "I don't need anybody's help" i'd think to myself. "I don't need that hug, or a comforting hug." I may not need it, but it does feel good to know that there's somebody there no matter what. That i'm not alone.

Even though Jane isn't my Godmother on paper, i consider her as one. Somebody that gives you a bed to sleep in, puts food in your stomach (and fat in my thighs thanks to that raspberry cake and well let's face it, all the other ingredients is basically pure sugar.... cavaties anyone?), and fills your soul with love and support, isn't just anybody.

Gerry, Jane, and Francine, if it weren't for you i wouldn't know the meaning of family. I love you and appreciate you more than you'll ever know.

Paolo, Anthony, Sebastian. My sanity, my comfort, my back bones, my home. That's what I feel when i think about these three men. All 3 are gorgeous. You may not think that of all 3 but you will of at least one out of them. They were there for my most manic moments. I know i've written about them before, but i just felt the need to write again.
Anthony is my brother. I don't care that we don't come from the same mother or that we weren't created from the same sperm. It's just DNA it doesn't mean anything. We met in the 3rd grade. My best friend at the time and i both had a crush on him. He chose her. They were going to get married and he said i could be the maid. I remind him of this every chance i get. Where's the woman of your choice now eh Anthony? She moved away in the 4th grade and we never heard from her since. Ha! You sure now how to pick em! The joke between us is that we've known eachother since before i had boobs, though neither one of us can remember that. He's probably the only person who's actually seen what went on in the house of evil. Heard my father yell, has felt the intimidation first hand. We had a falling out in our 13th year of friendship. We didn't talk for 12 months. I say that we just took a break from eachother. One month for every year we knew eachother. We were joined at the hip. It was impossible to talk to one without mentioning the other. amelieandanthony. anthonyandamelie. We had the best friendship. We could have an entire converstation with just one look, one glance. It said it all. The stupidest things happened to us too. We were on the train heading home. It stopped at one of the stations and stayed there. There was a car on the tracks further up apparently so we'd be there for a while. People went outside, we went out too for some air. It was warm out so we left our bags and jackets on our seats. People finished their cigarettes and got back on the train. We stayed out for a couple more minutes. That's when the doors closed and the train started to pull away. OMG!!! We started running after the train. We can't get home! Our money, cell phones, cards, id, everything was on the train! We were hitting on the door and the people in our cart were calling out to whoever as well. the door opens and the security guy pokes his head. He holds out his hand. Uhhh, what? You want us to jump on? So we did. Walked back to our cart where everybody was laughing at us. we were too. all the way home. This was typical. This sort of thing happened to us all the time. He's one of the few people who has seen me in hysterics. Crying and suicidal. Ok, not crying, sobbing. Falling to my knees, gasping for air, sobbing. He picked me up and helped me stand again, like he always did. He wouldn't do things for me. He was my support. He was always behind me. We had another falling out about a year ago. It's weird. I didn't think we'd go this long without "our" friendship. I thought it'd blow over. It's Anthony. We're AnthonyandAmelie, we're unbreakable....
Sebastian! For some reason he was nicknamed Looba. He had told me the story of how he got that nick and i didn't like the story, but i liked the nick. So I changed it to Loobalicious and i became Amelicious. The thing you need to know about us is that we're perfect. He and I can never date because there would be that angelic glow beaming off us. It would be so bright that it would be blinding. Our perfection would be blinding. I'm not just saying that, he and i truly believe this. All the good he and i do is because we're perfect. The "mistakes" are simply to make everybody else feel less inferior and insecure. The amount of fun he and i had together can be desicribed in 2 words: laugh fest. everytime we got together we were laughing our asses off. We lived in the suburbs. A really white and rich-ish area. We were trying to be ghetto. So we called eachother "homie" and tried to be all thug like but were unable to keep a straight face at how ridiculous we sounded. His family has got to be one of the warmest and friendliest families ever. His sister is a complete sweetheart. He and i stopped speaking not long before i moved out of my parents place. I had an explosive manic episode and lost my 2 defenders, protectors, my everythings. After 5 years of not speaking he and i have been emailing back and forth. We had gotten in touch about 2 years ago but it didn't last long. Now, it's getting stronger. I love him. He's my calm place.
Paolo.... ah yes. The one. I met him too early. The bar has been set and it's impossible for anybody else to reach it. His arms wrapped around me forming a sheild, a blanket, of comfort and safety. Lying down next to him felt as though our bodies were meant to be part of eachother. Pieces of a puzzle fitting into place. He felt like home.

I'm not holding on to the past with any of this. It was hard to let go for a long while. Even though i was the one who told Anthony to f*ck off on that 13th year, i missed him. After the manic episode, all i did was say "i'm sorry" when i wanted to say "i love you" to my loobalicious. I panicked when Paolo said he'd had enough. He couldn't do this anymore. I was frantic, i didn't want to lose him. Instead of "let's talk", "think it over", "give it time", i should just have said "Thank you." Thank him for having been there for me all those other times. That's what my memories of these amazing men are, it's my appreciation of the time i had with them. Maybe i'm being selfish in thinking this, but i think i got to see the best of them. The best laughs, the best jokes, the best hugs, the best love, the best support. I got it all from them.

I have to go now, there's somebody i need to get in touch with.

I've always had more guy friends than girl friends. I don't know why. Maybe there are more men in the world than women so the male friends to female friends ratio will always be imbalanced. I've had maybe 8 true girl friends.

Bessy: Met her in the 7th grade and we became friends instantly. I'd spend entire weekends at her place and bonded with her sister (the look identical even though they are 2 years apart). Beautiful on the inside and out, incredibly intelligent and determined. We've both shed many tears and shared many laughs.

Christine: The ability to just understand whatever it is i'm trying to say without having to say anything. Somehow just puts up with me and my drama. So many incredible memories with this girl. We don't need to actually be doing anything to have a blast. Ok, we may just need a camera and some alcohol... but it's not a must.

Christina: My non-blood related cousin. Wise beyond her years. She's 4 years younger than me and i learn so much from her. Her strength, her courage, her ability to forgive.... She will be one hell of a mom one day.

Flora: we were both hired at the same time and were trained together. On one of our first days of training i told her that she and i were going to be good friends. That because we were hired together we'd stick together. That was half true. I became friends with her because of her easy going attitude, because she laughed almost as much as i did. We're both completely different people and got along well. At times I questioned how it was we were able to get along being so different. Our love for laughter, a good glass of wine, and good company i believe is what made the friendship work.

Chrissy: Bessy's sister. We developed our friendship from the weekends i'd spend at her place. Our hectic lives have kept us apart, but we still email eachother news every now and then. Always up for anything, always ready for whatever life will throw her way. Faces everything with a positive attitude.

Caroline: I believe she may be the first girl friend i made. I was 2 years old. My mother was walking with me in my stroller when she bumped into a lady who lived behind us. She informed my mother she also had a 2 year old daughter and invited us over for coffee (well offered coffee to my mother, not me, obviously). She was showing my mother their house when she opened the door to Caroline's room. It was a mirror image of my room. Same paint colour, same furniture, same garbage can! Same bed sheets, everything. Over the next few years, our fathers would pass us over the fence we shared, we went to the same nursery school. Both our mothers are blond, we are both brunettes. Both are short, barely making it over 5 feet, with younger brothers that are about 6 feet tall. I was the wild one with blue hair, or pink, or purple.. she was conservative and sporty. I see Caroline once every couple years now, and still, we will have the same bedroom furniture. She's getting married soon, the thought of seeing her in a beautiful white gown, and looking incredibly happy brings tears to my eyes. I can't wait... it doesn't hurt that her family always threw the best parties.

Francine: My godmother. Being my mother's sister she's also my aunt. I prefer to call her godmother. It means more. You don't choose your aunts and uncles, Godparents are chosen to be part of your life, I believe that means more. She's been my rock throughout the whole ordeal with my family. She is to me, what my mother should have been. Comfort, a warm hug, supportive, loving, patient, strong, always there to wipe the tears away. She has seen me at my worst, taking me to the hospital and still by my side today, 4 years after i left an abusive household and said goodbye to her sister. I'm here today because of her.

Jane: My godfather's wife, but i consider her an honorary godmother. She's always been a little cooky. Always the one with the fun crafts growing up. Makes THE best birthday cake ever! Just thinking about that cake i get cavaties! The falling out I had with my parents brought us closer. Inviting me over for sunday night family suppers which i love. The house is warm and welcoming. Endless food supply (or so it seems). Very laid back and easy going. She's given me a place to sleep, food to eat, love and support to get me through the tough days.

All these amazing women have a few things in common. All are strong, independent, patient, supportive, intelligent, and welcoming. Though not all of them have seen the hard times i've been through, all have helped me out of them in one way or another. I'm stronger, wiser, and a better person because of them. I also laugh a lot because of them...and i mean, a lot. Stomach pains, tears, wheezing, almost peeing in our pants.... and this isn't the occasional laugh. This happens almost every time i see any one of these ladies.

I don't say it enough, but i love each and every one of you. More than that, i respect and admire you all for everything you've brought into my life and what you've done not just for me, but for everybody around you.

All the good i have in me comes from you.