My friend Etienne passed away Thursday the 13th of August from cancer.

I miss you buddy.



Please donate here:

http://www.terryfox.org/cgi/page.cgi/Run/participants.html/UFJM75

Flowing through my veins,

You’re love feels like poison

Making me weaker with every heartbeat

I gave it a shot with him. It was terrifying to come out of my comfort zone. I've always tried to not get attached to people, and to not let them come to close. To be honest, I felt safe with him. I felt like I could just take a sledgehammer to my walls and let it all come crumbling down around us and it'd be okay. He'd still be there.
The sparks were back, the teasing, the friendly banters. The ease of the just being with him. The 27th was his birthday and he wanted me to go over for some homemade cake his roommate had made for him. Even he was changing. I got there and he told me how happy he was that I was there. I couldn't stay long and got up to say goodbye to him. And there he was. In the kitchen with another girl, kissing her.
I can still hear it, the sound of them kissing, of their lips parting. I still see her glowing smile and I can see how much she likes him and how she has no idea what just happened.

I'm manic depressive or Bipolar if you prefer. It's so easy for me to say this to complete strangers or to people who don't play a role in my life, but to somebody who matters to me, it's one of the hardest things to do because I'm not just saying I have a mental illness, I'm telling this person that it's not easy to be a part of my life. Being Bipolar isn't exactly like having a sore throat. Manic depression affects every person in my surroundings. When I am down, it cannot be compared to just being bummed out about something. Being down for me means I am incapable of being happy or even remembering what it felt like to be happy. The "down" version of me is completely different to who I really am. The sound of my voice changes, how I react to comments and situations changes, my eyes change. There is nothing that a friend, a relative or anybody can do to make me feel better. Nothing. At times there may be suicide attempts, or just isolation from the world. I can go for days without leaving my bed without eating or any form of contact with the outside world. This can last from a couple days to weeks. It is not pleasant to be around somebody in this state. As you are reading this you may think that YOU would be able to help somebody in this situation, that it doesn't seem that hard. Think of a person in your life who cares about you and you care about them. Suddenly that person is completely emotionally detached from you. The inside jokes you have together suddenly mean nothing and trigger no response. All physical contact have stopped and a few days may go by without any news from this person. You know, you know in your bones that left alone, in isolation, this person causes physical harm to herself and that THIS TIME she might not snap out of it and you may have a funeral to go to next week.
When I tell somebody I'm Bipolar, that is what I'm telling them.

The friends I have I've had for many many years. Before I was diagnosed, before I even knew what it was, and before we were even aware of psychological problems. The more I learn about myself, the "disease' and the impact I/it has on others, the harder it is for me to let people into my life. I am very aware of what I do, why I do it, where it stems from, etc. but I don't have a solution for it. I don't know how to prevent my depressions or even my mania and therefore do not know how to avoid hurting people nor do I know how to have my depressions not affect my surroundings.

I can, however, feel the depressions coming on a couple days in advance sometimes even up to a week in advance. If you've ever fainted, try to think about that moment right before passing out, that wave of hot/cold inside of you, like you're being drained and "poof" you're out. When depression creeps in, I can feel myself leaving my body and something else coming in. The feeling is so strong that at times, it's as though I'm watching it instead of just feeling it. If I'm not in a place where I feel secure or with people I trust, it's a terrifying experience and all I want to do is go home and crawl in bed. A night out can be ended quite abruptly and for no apparent reason.

When I feel it coming, I try to avoid it. I keep myself busy and try to think positively. I avoid any negative contact. I'll watch comedies, plan "exciting" things with friends, get active. Usually it'll lessen the impact of the depression and it also makes it easier to get out of it. But sometimes, it gets to me anyway.

For the first time in a very long time I am not surrounded by, who I like to refer to as, my safety nets. Most of the people in my life do not know I am manic depressive or they've never experienced it. Unfortunately for me, I can feel a depression coming on and my security blankets are no where near me. We've grown up, some have moved away, others have families of their own, careers to worry about, etc. We are no longer teenagers with high school and heartbreak to worry about. We're adults with responsibilities and those responsibilities leave no room for taking care of the head case friend.

Because I have trust issues and do not trust those in my life right now, not because they've done me wrong or that they are bad people, but because of the walls I've put up to protect myself, I will push them away while I sink into my depression. I will end relationships, give reasons to not contact me ever again and I will make it so they will not want to be around me. I know that by doing this and never putting my guards down to let people in, I will be alone, not just while in depression, but for most if not all of my life.
I also know by continuing to push people away I may miss out on something really great, I may push away people who are willing to stick by me, who are willing to do anything to help, but because there's that chance that they are not strong enough to handle this and that "something really great" may not exist, I'd rather not take the risk. I realize this is a defence mechanism, bu this is what I know how to do and this is how I handle it and how I always have.

I don't know what I'm doing. Maybe it's my parents fault, the environment I grew up in, or maybe it's just me. Everything that seems so simple to do for everybody else just feels so hard for me. My head just can't keep quiet especially when my heart has a say. Questions, thoughts leading to other thoughts leading to more questions leading to doubt... and so on. I wish I could just be, not care and let go. But I can't and partially don't want to. Letting go means giving you the power. Letting go means that your words and actions can hurt me. I'm not ready for that. At 27 years old, I'm still not ready to open up to somebody. Maybe you're just not right for me and that's why I can't let you in. Maybe I'm just with you because there's nobody else. I don't know, I don't have all the answers. I know that I'm slowly pushing my feelings for you aside and ignoring the pang I feel because of it. I need to push you away. This is the only way I can stay strong. I need to be in control of me.

I will not give anybody a chance at hurting me.

How do you get yourself going again? When you feel overwhelmed and discouraged how do you keep on?

I've gone back to school recently and am in my 2nd semester. I start so positively and do well, but as the semester progresses, I begin to digress. I start my assignments late, miss a few tests, then midterms hit like a wave and I'm trapped under it. Weeks go by and I'm losing the energy I need to keep my head up. It seems like it all happens within seconds.

With just a few days left I'm ready to give up. I doubt my decision of having gone back to school. This choice has put quite a strain on my finances, on my work, and on my health.

Yes in the end, when I have a degree and am able to start my career it would have been worth it. Or would it? I want to have that degree but at what cost?
Where is that line between being realistic and being unrealistic?

My state of mind right now is basically guiding me to close all the books and call it a day.

At least I tried right?

When Christine and I were talking about becoming roommates and looking for a 3rd person to live with us, her brother had just recently left his girlfriend and was looking for a new place to stay. We talked about having him live with us and of course, I was a little worried about how it would be to live with a brother and sister. Was I going to feel like a 3rd wheel in my own home? Were they constantly going to "gang up" on me during house arguments? Did I really want to move in with somebody I knew enough for it to be awkward if it didn't work out, but not well enough to be sure things were going to work.

Turns out, David and I get along really well. We have these long philosophical conversations about life, love and our goals, our pain, our struggles, etc. Everything has worked out rather well so far. Something has come out of living with roommates who are brother and sister. All my thoughts and doubts about living with siblings, not once did I think about how seeing their interaction as siblings and answering the phone when their parents call would open my eyes to something unfamiliar. I know that we all have different life experiences, we all interact differently with our friends and family, etc. But living with Christine and David has in a way, thrown in my face what my family life was missing. A brother asking for his sister to call him when she flies back home from vacation to make sure everything is OK. A mom and dad calling on a regular basis to talk with their kids, making plans to get together during the week. The family hugging each other when saying hello and goodbye, saying "I love you".

All these little things that most people do without thinking, without realizing that they even do it probably comes as second nature to most, but when I see this, I notice it. Something goes off in my brain and registers these actions and it makes me realize what I didn't have and don't have. I don't have somebody checking on me to see how I'm doing. Nobody says those 3 magic words to me at the end of a phone conversation. My brother never asked how I was or said goodnight to me or wished me luck on anything. To be honest, I don't know how I feel about it. Some days, I just want to curl up and wrap myself up in blankets and not necessarily cry, but just let tears stroll down my cheeks. Other days, it just all feels so foreign and strange to see a mother hugging her daughter that I just feel nothing at all. Some times, I want to cut because I'm angry and want to cry but I'm numb at the same time and I just want to let it out. I feel as though I'm hovering over it all and I need to come down. I need to feel something.

There are days where I'm lucky enough to have either S or G over. S will spend the night and just having a body next to mine makes me sleep better. When he comes over, knowing that he's not leaving until the morning brings a sense of comfort over me, that at least for one night, for 8 hours, I'm not alone.

As for G, it's not just his arms around me that make his presence comforting. It's how he squeezes me closer to him, as though I were about to disappear and he has to hold on to me as tight as he could to make sure I don't go anywhere. It feels as though he needs me as much as I need him at that moment.

I know these 2 are just fillers. They're filling up a void in my life and perhaps I'm filling up a void in theirs. But how is one suppose to complete themselves when there are so many gaps in their life?

Have you ever visited the house you grew up in, years after moving out? Those of you who have, may know of that weird feeling you get when you walked through the door. I'm getting a similar feeling being back on spaces now.

So, to ease back into the whole blogging thing, I'll start with an update. Things with the apt are going really well. I've gotten really close with roomie David, who I only knew as Christine's brother beforehand. Christine and I are still as good friends as before, living together hasn't really ruined our friendship... yet.

Work wise, well, the office gig really wasn't for me. I've discovered the whole 9-5, sitting at a desk and staring at a pc screen is not the sort of thing I'm meant for. I tried it for 3 months and was sick almost every single day I was there. I left and asked for my job back at the gym where I am now Assistant Director! The gym is where I am truly happy. I love my job, I love talking with people, making jokes and laughing all day. I'm thinking of even going back to school and studying Sports and Leisure or something along those lines.

That's all I've got for now! Hopefully it won't take me another 6 months to write again.

I've been living in my apartment for 3 weeks now and I must say, life is great. My roommates and I went through our personal downs during the first week. Dealing with exes, jobs, and family issues as well as living out of boxes, the stress levels were high and everyone came out of it unharmed. Thank God for booze (did I just say that?)

The move went amazingly. We got everything into the apartment, grabbed a bite to eat, then Christine and I were off to Manu Chao. Great live performer, unfortunately, I had forgotten to bring my cam so no pics for your viewing pleasure. The following weekend was my cousin Christina's engagement party which was a whole ordeal on its own and will get its own blog entry shortly. The entire mess that was created from that event brought me closer to David who I didn't know all that well. He had always been "Christine's brother". Now he's a friend. I also saw a strength in Christine that I had never seen in her before. Out of this whole massacre 1 roommie became a good friend, and a good friendship became a stronger friendship.

Work is crazy. I'm surrounded by new information and tasks. I'm at a complete loss and feel extremely incompetent. I'm trying to grasp as much knowledge as possible, but there's always something new. I don't know if I'm fit for this job, I feel like I'm slowing down the company. I go in early and stay late. I'm not letting all this confusion bring me down, it's motivating me to do more.

I have a great home, great roommates and as hard as my job is, I still love it. For the first time in my life, I feel as though my feet are firmly planted somewhere. I'm finally settling in.

Tomorrow I start at my new job. I've had to shop for an entirely new wardrobe seeing as I had no office attire. 600$ I have half of what I need clothes wise, and an empty fridge. I'll be hungry but hey, at least I'll look good. I'm not at all nervous about the new environment, the work, or even the pressure, the only thing weighing on my mind is the fact that my sibling works in the same building. This job is a great opportunity for me in more ways than one. I would hate to have it tarnished because of an encounter with somebody who hasn't been a part of my life for almost 6 years. I guess I could always use the stairs though.

I'm going to keep focused, stay positive, but this little snag has got me thinking that the past really does catch up to us eventually. What is one to do when it does? Avoiding it can just be delaying what is eventually bound to happen, or you might successfully bypass the entire situation. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason, so when the time comes where my brother and I will cross each other in the hall or step into the same elevator, I know something will come out of it. I don't believe this will lead to reconciliation, and though I don't feel the need for closure, maybe this will relieve the little bit of anger left inside.

Until then, out of sight, out of mind.

Change. What do you think of when you think of "change"? Coins in your pocket? A new haircut? A new job, letting go of someone or something... It can be freeing and it can be terrifying. It can also be bland. But in my life, change is always something drastic and dramatic and overwhelming and I always welcome it.

I've let go of Mark. Our friendship was too one sided and there comes a time when have to ask yourself, "does the good out weigh the bad?" and this time, it didn't. I kept having to compromise but compromise meant his way or no way. There were too many let downs and no-shows and I just got fed up. I had talked to him numerous times about this, brought it up as he would ask me to change our plans to go somewhere I didn't want to go, or see people I didn't want to see, etc. And he never changed or kept his promises. Twenty years of friendship ended with him meeting me at the gym so we could work out together only for him to say "you train and I'll wait for you" He was waiting for me because afterwards we were going to do what he wanted us to do which was put up posters for a band I didn't know or care for. The circumstance was stupid, but it was an accumulation of similar situations that had me decide enough is enough.

I'm MOVING!!! Surprise surprise! I'm moving in with my fabulous friend Christine who I've known for years and her brother David. We have an 8.5 with a basement AND backyard AND solarium. Ooooo, I can sense your envious glare through the screen. Two of the bedrooms are double rooms meaning there is a large frame dividing the room into 2, we can add double doors or leave it open. The 3rd bedroom is a single room with a window to the solarium facing our backyard. There's a breakfast nook separating the living room and the LARGE kitchen. The basement is divided into 2 parts in length. We haven't decided what we're going to do with it. I can't wait to move, I can't wait to live with Christine, I can't wait to be paying 300$ less a month!!

And finally, I quit the gym. My last day is in 3 weeks. I'm scared because of the huge void it's absence is going to leave in my life. I've become friends with the trainers, the members, and the director. I've gotten use to seeing them every day. I'm trying to prepare myself for this, but it's hard. I have decided that financially, I couldn't do it anymore. I've been working there for 3 years and all my raises combined, I haven't gone up a $1. (take a moment if need be, to let that process).My raises have been less than 25 cents an hour per year (again... take a moment). As much as I love working there, as much as I love the members, and my co-workers and I'm really going to miss it all, I have to think about me. I have debts to pay and I'd like to go back to school. That's not possible if I continue working at the gym.

Now, what will happen next.....

Good news people! PepsiCo has ceased all animal testing!! Write "thank yous" to the following address:

PepsiCo
Indra K. Nooyi, Chair and CEO
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700 Anderson Hill Rd.
Purchase, NY 10577-1444

So i have a bruise. I know it's not big news but the size of it and the fact that i have no idea what i did to get such a bruise is what makes this sucker special. I had just started my shift at the gym and my leg started to bother me. I finally lifted my pant leg to see and was only able to get a glimpse of part of this blue patch. Check it out.

Also, it's April 16th. and the 2 other pics are what my street looked like last night. Everybody's got to do their part in slowing down global warming. Buy recycled products, recycle, carpool, walk... just simple things. Stop complaining about the weather and do something.

Ok, so my first article was printed last week, click here to check it out.
Not much is going on in my personal life. I've been sick and was bed bound for almost a week. I rented 17 movies in 2 days.. sad but true. I had nothing to do and staring at the walls got old fast. I highly recommend the following movies: The Big White, The Door in the Floor, and Shop Girl... i can't remember the other movies i had rented.
Moving on...
Last week idiots took the streets to protest police brutality. They destroyed private property, threw garbage on the streets, and screamed like morons... way to go proving a point assholes.
A couple months ago, a small hick town in Quebec, passed laws certain laws to send a message to immigrants: no stoning or burning women with acid was among one of the laws passed. This province is ridiculous sometimes. What makes this even more infuriating is that this town only has one immigrant family, so it's not like they were having a stoning problem. This shows just how narrow-minded and idiotic les Quebecois can be. This stupidity is found mostly in French Quebec. The Quebecois have this fear of losing their language/culture (they seem to confuse language with culture... because really, no Quebecois has yet to explain to me what their culture is exactly) to the anglos and immigrants, so they pass laws. One law is all signs must be in french, if there is english writing, it has to be written small than the french print. Stupidities like that. The language politics have taken over this province causing a lot of hatred between the English and French communities. I love living in Montreal, I really do. I love the architecture, the art, the diversity, everything. But the damn politics can sometimes really ruin my love for this place.
Canada (and the states) was built on immigrants, and it continues to grow because of people leaving their countries, their homes, and moving here. This is not a catholic community or a religious one at that, so the whole fear of other religions makes no sense. If you cared so much about your religion, support your bankrupt church instead of lashing out at somebody else's beliefs.
I am half Lebanese and half French. Growing up, and even today, my circle of friends consisted of Italians, Portuguese, Haitians, Mexicans, Armenian, Egyptian, Greeks, and many more nationalities. I ate their food, learned a few words, learned of their culture, etc. Is this something we really want our kids to miss out on? The food, the colours, the sounds, the music...do we really want to just live off of Poutines and Ginette Reno? If that's where this province is heading, then I'm moving to Vancouver.

Alright, so this week it's going to be a short posting seeing as i don't have time to write much, but that doesn't mean life has slowed down! Last night I got to see the Copeland/Switchfoot show at Le National and in 10mins i have to leave to see Andrew Rodriguez. Next week I'll be seeing Lily Frost again. I'll try to find the time to write about all of this!

I woke up bright and early this morning to participate in Montreal's 2nd annual underground race, "Downtown and Underground". Saturday my friend Julia called me up to say she was coming in from Vancouver for this race with a friend who canceled at the last minute, "would you want to race tomorrow morning?" she asked. Coughing up a storm, runny nose and with a voice sounding much like an 11 year old boy entering puberty, I accepted the invite. We met at 7:40am and headed to the event. The first runner took off at 8:30am and every 3 seconds after that somebody else took off. In total, there was 750 runners, speeding through connecting shopping malls to office buildings to train stations, and so on. I gave myself 45 minutes to complete the 5km race and i did it in 36... patting myself on the back.
Downtown and Underground is part of the Montreal Highlights Festival and hopefully i will be participating in a few more activities.

See you next week! Same bat time, same bat place!